Not My Will…
BY: Preya Jones
Not My Will…
Not my will, but your will be done. Not my will...
Have you ever prayed that prayer? I’m not talking about muttering these words maybe in a church service or during your morning prayer time. But really, intensely, and truthfully prayed this prayer? These words are not just words, but rather a posture of submission. These words say, “Above all, I choose your way, Jesus, over mine.”
Not my will, but Your will.
This is a scary prayer, but the results of faith are beautiful.
I prayed this prayer during the Winter of 2018 in regards to my upcoming summer of 2019. I was excited! For me, fear was not involved in this prayer. I had just recently truly started to find immense freedom and joy in my singleness. The Lord continues to show up and show out in this season of singleness. Not only did I find joy in my relationship status, but I was beginning to find excitement as well in regards to my upcoming summer! I knew my will was to spend my summer in either California or China, and because of my season of singleness; there was nothing holding me back.
I’m reminded of numerous instances in the Bible where individuals fully and wholly surrender their desires and their wills over to the Lord rather than cling to the wills and desires of their own. I think first of Noah and the Ark (Genesis 6:9 - 9:17). Do you really think Noah wanted the humiliation of building an Ark and having his peers constantly laughing at him? The ark made no sense to Noah. But he had faith and as a result, he walked in obedience to the Father. Think of the story of Job (Job Chapters 1- 42). Here Job had lost all that he had not only loved, but even had, and his first response was to fall on his face and bless the name of the Lord. Job’s situation made no sense.. but he praised God in his pain because of his faith. Both instances give the idea that such individuals prayed this prayer... Not my will, but Your will be done, Lord.
Not my will...
Well, MY will for the upcoming summer was to be in either China or in California. I had applied for different ministry opportunities and had even gotten accepted into both programs! Praise God! I was thrilled. Yet, I had no peace and I had no financial means to go. Was this my will or not His will? This, what I thought to be a horrifying thought haunted me for a few weeks.
Was my will not His will? Did He really want me to surrender my dreams and my desires for something I did not know? This was a scary thought, a faith-challenging thought, a thought that led me into full out wrestling with the Lord, and let me tell ya. I did not win and I am so glad I didn’t.
I spent a few weeks wrestling with the Lord. I knew that God was real, that God could do absolutely anything He wanted to, and that God loved me, so I got confused and I got angry. How could an all-powerful and loving God choose not to give me peace and not to give me money. It made no sense. I never doubted God’s power, but I doubted His love, because my situation made no sense.
Often times, if not all the time, I want for my life to make perfect sense. I want the puzzle pieces of my life to fit perfectly together and for everything to align in perfect balance. I want a crystal clear reasoning for all of my pain and all of my hurt. I know there is a significant purpose for all of my past, current, and future hardships (James 1:2-4, 2 Corinthians 4:17), but I want to see that purpose played out right in front of me. Often times we may not see the beautiful outcome played out here on earth. Often times we will fall short of knowing why a particular pain had to happen to us and to such a degree. Often times we simply will not know. And that moment; that beautifully broken, questionable, and raw moment, THAT is when our faith is most desperately needed. That is when faith comes in.
Faith; defined by Hebrews 11:1 is,
“The assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (ESV).
Read that again.. and again, and then read the entire chapter of Hebrews 11. Its gold! Let’s compare this verse to a few different translations.
The New International Version of Hebrews 11:1 states faith as being,
“Confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
The New Living Translation version of Hebrews 11:1 states faith as being,
“The reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.”
If our lives, the good times and the hard times, made perfect sense all of the time, there would be absolutely no need for any faith at all. Yet our very salvation, the result of Jesus dying and then 3 days later rising from the dead for us; is based off of faith! Faith is important and it is necessary.
Disappointments, hardships, and trials not only test our faith to make sure it is real; but they’re also able to strengthen our faith! Does that give you goosebumps or is it just me?
Having my dream of living in either China or California for the Summer right in front of me, yet not attainable, was hard and made no sense. Having to hold back tears as I emailed both organizations to turn down both amazing opportunities was hard and made no sense. And having faith in knowing,
“..., No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11)
is extremely hard and sometimes makes no sense. Having faith that the Lord will show up and show out in my upcoming summer is HARD and sometimes makes no sense. But when it comes down to it at the end of the day, after my dreams and my desires have been stripped away from me, I have to remind myself that ultimately I want Jesus and His will more.
Not my will, but Your will.
I have to remind myself that Jesus loves me too much to allow me to settle for lesser things than His best, in His time. Because that is exactly what my will is. My will is a leaser thing and it does not compare to His will. How could it when I am me and He is GOD - The creation maker, the sea splitter, the fire breather, all mighty, just, and powerful God that we serve. He is God and I am not.
I haven’t figured it out, and to say I have would be a lie. There are so many moments when I think to myself, “why”? What is He up to and why? Why can’t I have my way? Is His way really that much better than mine? Even these thoughts are sinful because they doubt the goodness of God. Having faith that,
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”, declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8) ESV
because family, they are so much better.
I have had to remind myself more than I listen to myself. Often times we will find ourselves not wanting to pray this prayer, yet those times are the very moments we need to be praying this prayer, telling ourselves; Not my will, but Your will, God.
Not mine, but yours.
Lord, help me to want Your will more than I want my own.
