To My Sister Considering Divorce

By: Francine Hollis

If the word “Divorce” has been mulling around in your mind, you may be wondering what gives me the right to share my thoughts on your marriage.  The answer is nothing. I am not an expert on the subject. No degrees on the topic either. I have never been divorced or, by God’s grace, had to wrestle with that decision.  However, I have been through a divorce - my parents’. Their marriage ended when I was nine years old. That decision changed me, my relationship with both of my parents, how I viewed my marriage and made it difficult for me to accept God’s unconditional love. 

So, though I am no expert, the devastation of my world as a young child and the ripple effects into my adulthood has given me a passion for seeing marriages stay together. I simply know all too intimately the toll that it takes when they do not. I will not load you up with statistics on the damage of divorce, though they exist.  I will not even argue the proper biblical grounds for a divorce. What we will explore here is more of a WWJD perspective – what would Jesus do if he was married to your husband? 

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul walks us through the formula for how husbands and wives are to behave towards one another.  Here we are also given the purpose for marriage. Verse 32 tells us that the oneness of marriage points to the profound mystery of Christ and the Church. Marriage is the relationship that God chose to reflect an undying, never-ending, unconditional, covenant love between Christ and His Bride (the Body of believers) to the world. That is what our marriages are supposed to represent.  There is permanence in Christ’s covenant to us, just as there should be in our covenant within our marriage. 

Acknowledging your Ache

Let me address a few things first. I do not want to, in any way, minimize your pain. The mysterious oneness of marriage that Paul talks about in Ephesians 5 means that there are very few people in the world, if any, besides your spouse that can wound you as deeply as they can. Your pain is so very real and I am grieved that you are experiencing such hardship. Especially in a relationship that was meant to be far more beautiful than your current experience. And if, like our Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane, you desperately desire God to let this cup pass from you, I get it. My goal is not to skip over your anguish.  My goal is to help you respond to your pain just like the One whose cross to carry was heaviest of all, “not as I will, but as you [Father] will (Matthew 26:39).”

For some of the women reading this article, you feel like your marriage is a cross – a burden you are carrying with no end in sight. Not only that, but your circumstance may not be of your own doing. Have you been lied to? Betrayed?  Slandered and wrongly accused? Did he choose another over you even though you fulfilled your wifely duties? You cared for your family, prepared their meals and nursed each member when they were sick. 

Jesus’s crucifixion was not his doing either. He was lied to and betrayed by Judas. He was denied by Peter. He was wrongly accused and slandered by religious leaders. The crowd even chose to save a murderer, Barabbas, over an innocent man, Jesus, who healed their sick and fed their hungry. Sound familiar?  What an injustice! Jesus tells Peter that he could call more than twelve legions of angels to rescue him at a moment’s notice and deliver him from this unfair pain. But he did not. The mission, his very purpose for coming, was at stake and he stayed committed. Again I ask, what would Jesus do if he were married to your husband?

When my Rights and the Gospel Clash

You will find different interpretations as to what biblically constitutes grounds for divorce. But it is generally accepted that adultery, a spouse being unfaithful, makes the list.  To my sister who has experienced that betrayal, I am sorry. I am sorry that your husband did not love you as Christ loved the Church. I am truly sorry that he is not serving in his role as priest, provider and protector of your home.  I am sorry that he has fallen so short of his promise to you on the day you said, "I do” and his assignment from the Lord as a husband and as a father. I am sorry that you feel so alone and abandoned. That grieves me and I know that it grieves our Heavenly Father who sees it all.

So yes, the loophole is in your favor. You have the right to leave. Would you, though, consider the decision of One who had every right to stay.  Philippians 2 gives us a picture of Christ’s humility in his decision to come to earth to die for our sake. Verses 5-8 tell us, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped [a thing to be held on to for advantage], but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Jesus had a right as well.  He could have chosen to stay in heaven with the Father. But, what would it have meant for us if he exercised it? If he chose not to come? There would be no Gospel. Would Jesus cling to his right if he were married to your husband?

I heard Chris Brooks say on his radio show,  “when you are struggling in your marriage, you then have the opportunity to offer a powerful picture of the gospel, because you choose to love someone who is difficult to love”. We can point others to salvation when we choose to take up our cross and follow Christ (Matthew 16:24). 1 Peter 3:1 tells us that an unbelieving husband can come to know the Lord by his wife’s submission to his authority. Consider even what it says to your children about Christ’s love if they see you, by His power, love irrationally and unconditionally – especially when it is so undeserved.  THAT kind of love is attractive to a world who is watching. THAT love reflects Christ’s commitment to His Bride, to you.

What Do I Do Now?

So what should you do? First, repent. I know, I know, but here is what I am saying. Remember that your husband’s sin against you is nothing compared to your sin against God. If you have made your husband a villain, confess that. English theologian John Owen said, “The seed of every sin is in every heart.” You too have fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and need the blood of Jesus to atone for your sin. Taking your focus off of his splinter and seeing your plank (Matthew 7:3-4) may give you compassion towards your husband who needs a savior just as much as you do.  

Second, pray. Pray that God would soften your heart. Jesus tells us in Matthew that divorce was never God’s intention but it was permitted because of people’s hardness of heart (Matthew 19:8). Do not let it get there. Then commit to praying for your husband and your marriage daily. You may even need to enter a season of fasting as some things only come out with prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21).  Seek God for a miraculous turn around where He breathes life again into your Valley of Dry Bones (Ezekiel 37). Find a Simon of Cyrene who will help you carry your cross – a community of sisters in Christ who can support you, encourage you and pray for you in the tough times.

Third, Love. Let us remember 1 Corinthians 13, the famous chapter about Love. When asked about the greatest commands, Jesus said to love God and love your neighbor (Matthew 22:36-40). Your husband is your neighbor. Be patient with your husband and kind to him, my sister. Do not be envious or boastful. My sister, do not be arrogant with your husband or rude to him. Do not insist on your own way; do not be irritable or allow resentment to creep into your heart. Do not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoice with the truth. Remember that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. And when it gets hard to do so, reflect on Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (emphasis mine).” Know that you can love like this because “God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us (Romans 5:5). 

I also want to note that if there is physical, verbal or emotional abuse happening in your home or he is engaged in a pattern of destructive sin that is bringing harmful behaviors into the home, reconciliation looks different for you. You need to get out of that environment immediately. Find leaders in your church, a professional or an organization that can help you draw necessary boundaries to stay safe while your husband gets help. Do not remain in danger in hopes of things eventually getting better without intervention. Please speak up and take action.

My pastor, Kevin James once told me, “As long as Christ lives, there is hope”. Since Christ always lives, there is always hope. I do not know if you have taken divorce off the table completely (though I hoped you might). But what I can at least hope for is that your mind is open to there being another way. I hope that you think about the purpose of marriage not being for happiness or your satisfaction, but to reflect a love that is hard for the world to grasp. So much so, they needed a physical representation of it – your union and mine. When you remember that your marriage is supposed to bring God glory and you ask what would glorify Him here, I pray you are no longer my sister considering divorce. I pray that you are instead my sister committed to faith, hope, love and reconciliation in her marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Francine

If you want more resources, here are some books and articles I have found helpful:

Article on Marital Abandonment

The Meaning of Marriage Podcast with Chris Brooks on Moody Radio

The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian