The Leah Complex
By: Amber Brown
Growing up, I remember middle school years being some of the toughest years of my life. So many changes. I moved schools, which meant new friends, hormonal changes, changing likes and interests, and boys. I remember feeling insecure. I wasn’t chosen to be in certain friend groups. Wasn’t picked to go to the dance. I felt invisible and overlooked constantly.
But I had promise and intention for my life. I just didn’t realize it while navigating through middle school. You have promise and intention too, friend, though I know it may be hard to grasp right now. Let me share my story…
Ugly. Unimportant. Overlooked. Unwanted. These words echoed in my head like a voice in an empty arena. I quickly looked away from the mirror, grabbed a paper towel, dried my hands, walked out of the bathroom and back to class.
I gave a sigh of relief as I spotted the empty desk and chair in the back of the classroom. I meandered quickly through the chaos and noise, back to the empty desk, threw my things down, and took a seat right before the bell rang.
The sudden stillness in the atmosphere made my heart race a little. I liked this place in the back of the room. It was safe here. Invisible. Back here I didn’t have to be concerned with my awkward frame blocking the other thirteen-year-olds behind me. Back here I didn’t have to worry about anyone noticing how big my afro textured hair was. Back here, maybe the teacher wouldn’t call on me and others wouldn’t hear my lisp my new braces created, or notice the new pimple on the tip of my nose. Maybe no one would notice the large, bright orange, circle spectacles I had to wear because I ripped my contact.
Relief.
Outside of class, I found myself walking down the hallways less traveled. To walk the main hallways meant hearing the boys flirt with the pretty girls. It meant watching groups of friends meet up with excitement. It meant posters on lockers with big, bold bubble letters that read, “Will you go to the dance with me?” The main hallways were the avenues that constantly incited my social anxiety. Another dance around the corner and no date.
If only I was prettier. If only my teeth weren’t crooked. If only my hair were straighter. If only I wasn’t so tall. If only I had the clothes like the pretty girls…maybe someone would like me.
Day after day, I looked for that same back seat in the same classroom. Day after day I tried to convince myself that I was okay being unnoticed and unseen, but deep down I hurt deeply. I really didn’t want to be invisible, longing to be the chosen one.
In Genesis 29, we are introduced to someone else who knows all too well how it is to feel ugly, unimportant, overlooked, and unwanted–Leah. Leah was the daughter of Laban and older sister of the famously beautiful Rachel. Leah was constantly rejected by her husband, Jacob. His initial plan was to marry Rachel. Jacob loved Rachel so much that he was willing to work for her father seven years longer than he initially agreed to so that he could marry her. Jacob wanted Rachel.
However, because Leah was the oldest, tradition was for her to be married first. But Leah wasn’t chosen first. She was given to Jacob as a wife by default. Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah. She was rejected, lonely and insecure. Leah, being constantly denied love and attention, thought she could earn her husband’s love by having his children. But no number of babies could fulfill that deep desire in her heart to be seen, wanted and loved.
Leah was never hidden from God’s eyes. She was important to God, never overlooked or unwanted by Him. In fact, she was so important that God allowed Jesus to come through her lineage!
Guess what, friend? God has chosen you too! You may find yourself with a Leah complex right now, fighting the feelings of rejection and insecurity. But God sees an inner beauty, and like Leah, he has also equipped you to carry out his plan! It may be hard to grasp that God sees you as you walk through those noisy yet lonely hallways…as you watch the “pretty girl” get asked to the dance…as you sit in the back of the room hoping no one notices your pimple, or your hair, or your 5’9’’ frame.
But just like Leah, God loves you and he accepts you! You are beautiful. You are important. You are seen. You are wanted. Most importantly, you are LOVED!
”I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalm 139:14